self-compassion

Looking for Life’s “Aha!” Moments

by ultrapeg

ahamoment58

There are times when you may find yourself in the middle of a class getting annoyed by what you perceive is your lack of ability.  You may start to lament letting yourself go or waiting so long to begin. Or you may start believing that getting older automatically implies loss of ability.  Or maybe you see what the person next to you is doing and start beating yourself up because you feel like you can’t do the same thing. This drumbeat can become a self-fulfilling prophecy; that is, saying “I can’t” means “I can’t”. Personally, I hate hearing the words “I can’t”. It’s amazing to me how easily we downgrade our abilities.  These negative thoughts can become what Sharon Salzberg refers to in a recent blog post on onbeing.org as “inner landmines”.  They can trip you up and derail your efforts before you even know what’s impacting you. Sometimes the attack can be so severe that it triggers thoughts of giving up.  It can even be the first brick in a wall of resistance that keeps you from believing that you can change. 

This is just plain wrong.  Recent brain research continues to prove that we are never too old to change.

If you find yourself in this type of negative spiral, it might help to stop and examine what is creating that resistance.  It probably has nothing to do with the person next to you.  It has much more to do with how you see yourself.  Instead of focusing on what you think is wrong with what you’re doing, how about celebrating the fact that you are there doing it. Think of all the people you know who give in to their inner “boogey men” and don’t even try.  Here you are making the effort.  That’s special!  You may think that effort isn’t perfect, but whatever you’re doing is better than not doing it at all.  Through the years I have seen (and I have had!) many “aha!” moments when something that seemed so elusive suddenly becomes clear and do-able.  Think of riding a bike.  Or that subject you took in school that seemed so opaque.  Whatever block you overcome, it soon becomes so effortless you begin to wonder what was so troubling.  I recently heard a description by a father of his son’s first steps.  The child took one step and suddenly his little face lit up when he realized he was still standing and could take another. Sure, he fell shortly thereafter, but it was enough success to inspire him to keep trying.

Maybe you have always downplayed your abilities.  Some of us have been raised to believe that this is a form of necessary modesty.  More often, though, these thoughts have morphed into demons that hold us back from trying new things or pursuing something we’ve always wanted to do.  Despite this self-directed negativity, most of us are capable of incredible compassion towards others.  It is not being selfish or even self-centered to believe that you are just as deserving of compassion as everyone else in your life.

So allow yourself some of the generosity you are so willing to bestow on others.  The first rule of yoga is “ahimsa” which is usually translated from Sanskrit as “non-violence”.  We are not capable of non-violence toward others until we first learn to be non-violent toward ourselves. Subjecting ourselves to “inner landmines” hardly qualifies as non-violence.  Even if you’re the only one that knows.

When you hit a wall with your practice remember the rule of ahimsa.  Be gentle with yourself.  Maybe you need to just stop, take a breath and try again another time. Or try making the best effort you can make at this time regardless of how far away from your ideal you think it might be. Either way you can’t lose.  Mindful effort is always better than not trying at all. And practice works. Keep trying and you will improve. You may never look like your neighbor but that doesn’t mean that you are not achieving the desired result.  Even when you think the results are less than optimum you’re probably improving more than you realize. Reward yourself for the effort you’ve made and smile!  Give yourself a break and applaud your achievement. After all, you showed up and that’s half the battle.

Committing to Change

by ultrapeg

Some version of the following statistic has shown up in so many posts and articles over the past couple of weeks it has almost become a meme: of the 45% of Americans who make New Year’s resolutions, only 8% actually see them through to the end of the year.  The most recent attribution I found for this statistic is a University of Scranton study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology.  If that sounds discouraging, take heart by noting that these researchers also found that those who bothered to make a resolution still fared twice as well as those who did not.

We’ve all seen the standard advice for sticking to your resolves – taking small steps, rewarding yourself, building your plan into your schedule, etc.  All those are good. But if you are still having trouble, a recent article in Yoga Journal titled Make This Your Year by Elizabeth Marglin suggests a novel approach. Instead of thinking of your resolutions as something specifically for yourself, try thinking of them as “bigger-than-self” goals.  Think of your goals as compassionate.  For example, if your intention is to physically move more think about how this will benefit the other important players in your life.  This will require you to be clear about your motivation. Why is this intention important to you?  The article poses a series of questions to help you clarify your intentions including “What do I want to experience more of in my life and what can I do to create that?”.

Once you’ve figured out what you want to do and why you want to do it, the next step is to commit. Create a new habit.  You’ve got plenty of experience creating habits, some good – some that make you unhappy. Take that experience and use it to your benefit. It may take a few weeks but the more you persevere, the more your brain will adapt. Research shows that we are capable of creating new neural pathways in our brains throughout our lives.  Build your intention into your life. When you struggle with following your plan, just let the habit take over and keep you on course. Remember that your plan is not just for your own benefit but has a larger purpose. Then don’t think “should I or shouldn’t I?”. Just do it. You will never regret following through even if it turns out in the end that the path you chose needs to be adjusted. No matter what happens you will learn alot.  Be open to that and enjoy the learning process.

The final step suggested in the article is to “Envision Success”.  What does that look like? If more movement is your intention maybe success means being able to hike with your grandchildren.  Or ride your horse comfortably and with confidence. Maybe there is a particular bicycle ride you’ve always wanted to try. Or a walk-a-thon that benefits a cause you support.  Perhaps you want to volunteer for an organization that means something to you. Keep that vision right up front. But be kind to yourself.  A compassionate intention requires self-compassion. Don’t let a day off derail your plans. Just take a breath and let it go. Don’t beat yourself up. Just put your schedule back together at the next opportunity.