reducing stress

Practicing Self-Compassion

by ultrapeg
Recently I listened to an interview by Krista Tippett  of the public radio program “On Being” with two Buddhist teachers, Sharon Salzburg and Robert Thurman.  It was titled “Embracing our Enemies and our Suffering”.  During the discussion there was a distinction made between internal and external enemies.  We are all familiar with the phrase “we are our own worst enemies”.   Sometimes we are harder on ourselves than any of our so-called external enemies would dare to be.  Sharon Salzburg offered the following ideas to counteract this self-flagellation that we all experience from time to time.  First, she talked about her initial experience practicing metta or lovingkindness in an intensive, structured way. The practice begins with self-compassion and moves out from there to others.  She says:
“I always knew that classically you began with yourself, which I found kind of confusing because I felt, well, surely the higher path, the more spiritual way, would be denying yourself . . . some kind of self-abnegation . . . just focusing completely on others. . .”
But then she goes on to say that she learned that self-compassion can really be a form of generosity:
 “It’s like generosity of the spirit. And the best kind of generosity comes from a sense of inner abundance. . [I]f we feel depleted and overcome and exhausted and just burnt out, we’re not gonna have the wherewithal inside, the sense of resourcefulness, to care about anybody. . . [I]t’s a self-preoccupation that happens when we feel so undone, so unworthy. . . [thus] lovingkindness for one’s self is this tremendous sense of strength and resourcefulness in terms of connecting to others.”
And finally she comes to this point which really resonated with me:
“. . . the one question that’s very interesting to reflect on is how do I actually learn best? How do I change? How do I grow? Is it through that kind of belittling myself and berating myself and humiliating myself? Or is it through something else, some other quality like self-compassion and . . . having the energy to actually move on?  So where does that energy come from? It comes from not being stuck. And how do we get unstuck? In fact, it’s from forgiving ourselves and realizing. . .I am capable of change.”
So when you are tempted to avoid trying something new because you’re so sure you won’t be any good at it, you might want to reflect on what helps you to learn.  All of us have a different path to learning.  Some of us are visual learners, some auditory, some hands-on.  And maybe we have also learned through negative stimuli from time to time to avoid certain painful experiences.  But how do you learn best? How do you learn those positive lessons that give you the energy to move forward?  Self-compassion just might be worth considering.  Try being as gentle with yourself as you would be with someone you care about.  It can’t hurt and it just might help.

Our Over-Scheduled Lives

by ultrapeg

My husband was lamenting today the fact that nothing can be spontaneous anymore.  Everyone is over-scheduled.  He called some friends of ours to see if we could manage to get together some time next week.  Of course, he first had to check with me to see what my schedule would allow before suggesting potential dates and times to our friends.  It probably will not surprise you to learn that we could not find a time next week that was available to all of us.  In order to get together we would need to make a plan and find a date and time at some point in the future.  We would need to put the event into our calendars and make sure to generate reminders so we would not forget about it.  Then we would need to hope that we could get to that date and time without unforeseen obstacles intruding between now and then.

Short of finding an available future meeting time, my husband noted that since someone had answered his phone call, they must be home now.  So would it be possible for him to stop by now or some time this afternoon?  Once again, not surprisingly, the answer was “Sorry!  We’re expecting company this afternoon”.  Yikes!  What complicated lives we all live.  It’s no wonder that so many of us are plagued by the constant notion that there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything we think we need to do.

All of this can create stress.  By now all of us have heard that stress can create all sorts of health problems.  In a recent edition of the Daily Insight newsletter from Yoga Journal, physician and Yoga Journal medical editor Timothy McCall warns that stress may also fuel chronic illnesses, such as obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. “If you are continually stressed, you leave the door open to a variety of health conditions,” McCall says.

But then he goes on to say that a regular, consistent yoga practice can help.  Another edition of the Daily Insight gives the following related suggestions:

. . .  as we become busier and busier, even the activities that bring us joy can feel like just one more thing to do.

So, how do we bring balance into our hectic lives? Often, we look for some external solution that can make us better, stronger, more spiritual, or happier. But the search itself can leave us feeling busier, more stressed, and ultimately, less fulfilled. The real key to finding balance is to focus internally and listen to what’s inside.

Achieving balance can be as simple as taking regular moments to connect with yourself. Do something that turns your awareness inward.

So how about making an appointment with yourself.  Give yourself time for your practice and treat it like you would any of the other obligations you’ve created in your life.  And – yes – you have created most of these obligations.  Of course, some of them are related to caregiving, employment or other chores, but you can still make time for yourself.  Consistency is key.  The more you stick to it, the more you will find that not only can you stick to it, but the rest of your life may even benefit.

As you do this, try dropping all judgmental terminology.  If you choose to join a class (always a good choice!) as your means of focusing on yourself and giving yourself some time to just be, avoid comparing yourself to others.  One more pearl of wisdom from the Yoga Journal:

. . . comparing yourself to others in the room or expecting unrealistic results from your body can cause suffering—but as the yogic sage Patanjali said . . . the pain that is yet to come can be avoided.

By gently allowing your body to discover . . . through different poses or variations, you remind yourself not to mistake who you are for how you should look in a pose—opening both your muscles and your mind along the way.

Each of us is unique and, although “one size fits all” solutions are offered to us on a daily basis by various media outlets, we are each an experiment of one.  No can tell you what will work best for you.  But tools can be offered.  How you choose to use them is up to you.   And your method of using a tool (or pose) may be totally different from someone else’s even when it is the same tool (or pose).  There is no right or wrong way.  There is only what works for you in this moment.  Subject to change at any time.  Be open to the possibilities.  You may surprise yourself.