mental-health

Sometimes It’s Not Your Fault

by ultrapeg

Some time ago I heard a story from a woman who was describing her large family and the inevitability of an assortment of disagreements, recriminations and finger-pointing to surface at all family gatherings. At one point they all got sick and tired of dealing with these so they made a group decision to assign one person each day as “Culprit for the Day”. That person would bear the blame for everything that went wrong that day. The “culprit” would rotate randomly through the group so that everyone would have a turn at being the one at fault. So, for example, when the cookies got burned because no one was paying attention or the milk got spilled or the coffee didn’t get made it would be Mary’s fault. “Oh, well”, she’d say, “today is my day so it’s all my fault”. Then on the next day when it was, say, her brother’s Bob’s turn, she could say, “Not my fault today, it’s his fault”. Screen door gets left open and the flies get in? It’s Bob’s day today so it’s his fault. Car dies because someone left the lights on and the battery went dead? Bob’s fault. And so on.

Unfortunately, I don’t remember where I heard it, but if anyone out there reading this knows where it came from, please let me know so I can properly attribute it and thank the source for this great idea. As the holiday season continues to ramp up, this might be something we all should consider. If you don’t have a big family to contend with, maybe it’s something that could be implemented where you work (e.g., who took the last cup of coffee and did not make another pot? Who emptied the copy machine and did not refill it with paper? Etc., etc.)

Bottom line is –  we Americans love the blame game.  We seem to operate under the illusion that finding and punishing the perpetrator will somehow make us feel better about whatever it is that went wrong. We think “whew – now we know who did it so someone can be held accountable!”  We think this will bring us “closure” (whatever that is).  Funny thing, though, this rarely solves the problem. Perhaps we would all do well to stop worrying about who’s at fault and think instead about how we can move forward and avoid falling into the same trap again.

This is relevant to our everyday lives because the person we tend to assign the most blame for all of the problems of the day is usually ourselves. Often we are very forgiving of others, but ruthlessly brutal on ourselves.

I recently read the following in an article titled “Make the Choice to Stop Hesitating” by Ishita in the online magazine “Fear.Less”:

“. . . how often do we trash ourselves [with thoughts like]: “I should have started ________ [fill in the blank] earlier, I’d be much farther by now.” “I can’t believe I said that last night, how ungraceful can someone be?” “Am I really trying this again after it took me so long the first time?And on and on…How quickly we judge and jump to conclusions about the losers and fools we are. “

I would like to add here that we would probably never do this to anyone else and yet we somehow feel it’s OK to do it to ourselves. Ishita goes on to describe an area on tennis courts referred to by the pros as “No Man’s Land”.  Some of you who play tennis may be familiar with this.  It is an area in the center of the court that seems like a good place to be but ends up being an almost impossible spot from which to hit a ball. Beginners like it because it seems safe, but usually the balls just whiz by them unhit and unreachable. Ishita compared this seemingly safe zone to the place in which she realized she was living her life.

“. . .self-disapproval gives us a false sense of safety. Even though thoughts like “I wish I was better” or “I could never do what he does” are unhelpful, they actually do serve a purpose: we use them to protect us, just like No Man’s Land ‘protects’ us. If you doubt yourself long enough, you’ll never take a risk or step out of your comfort zone. Like staying in No Man’s Land keeps you from getting hit in the face but also prevents you from hitting any balls. [What] lulls us into safety may also be destroying us at the same time.”

To combat this downward spiral, Ishita invented a game she now calls “Be Right for a Day”. This is how she describes it:

“For three months, I played a game with myself where I was right about everything – no matter what I did or said or whom I played with – I was right. No questions asked.

Yes, it is brazen and ridiculous, and there were times when it [angered] people around me. I understood this, but too much was at stake for me. It made such a difference to believe in myself and not second guess or doubt, and I saw how bolstered I felt after a few weeks. At times I felt foolish but for the first time in a long time, I felt confident and self-assured.
I now call this exercise ‘Be Right for a Day’ and recommend it to people who want to build confidence. Turns out it that pretending to be right actually shows you that you are right most of the time, which is delightful. I learned that most times I did or said something, it was usually the right thing to do, but I only learned this by diving in . . . Even attempting to step out of No Man’s Land or Be Right for a Day puts the odds in your favor – you’ll be rewarded simply because you’ve made the choice to be brave enough to leave a safe zone.”

This can apply to anything you’ve been thinking about doing but putting off because you fear you’ll do it badly. Like exercise. So often I hear – “I can’t do yoga because I’m not flexible” or “I’m too old to do Pilates”, etc. etc. How about changing that mindset to “Just for today, I can do yoga” or “I can do Pilates and, just for today whatever way I do it will be right!” Then all you need to do is get to a class and chances are you’ll find out that you are right! Stack enough “I am right” days back to back and before you know it – you’re doing it.  And you’re doing it right – whatever that means for you today.

You can do it – and you will be right! Let someone else be the one to blame for this day.

Maintaining Motivation

by ultrapeg

The online magazine OM Times featured an article in this month’s issue by Maria Khalife entitled “Three Barriers to Success”.  In it she talks about motivation and how to maintain it when it starts to become elusive.  I encourage you to read the entire article and also some of her other articles including “An Opportunity in Disguise” and “Success – It’s All a Matter of Mindset”.  But here are some highlights from this article which will hopefully provide some inspiration:

“How many times have you set out with a fabulous plan for success and within a short period of time found yourself mentally kicked to the curb wondering why?

Motivation means a feeling of enthusiasm or interest that makes you determined to do something. If there isn’t any long-lasting, renewable motivation, you are uninspired. . .”

If you are reading this, you probably had some motivation at some point.  You wanted to improve your physical capabilities through yoga or Pilates.  You wanted to invest in yourself.  You understood how important this would be for your health, well-being and self-esteem.  When you make this kind of an effort, everyone in your life can benefit along with you.  Yet somewhere along the line some of you lost that motivation.  What happened?  How can you get it back?  Maria goes on to say:

“If lack of motivation is your issue, I want to assure you that it is there inside you, but again, you have to want to go inside and find it. Do that. Dust it off. Give it a good shake and insist it do its mighty work for you.”

She then outlines some steps you can take to restore your motivation.  Among them – become your own cheerleader.  Don’t wait for someone else to pat you on the back for the efforts your making.  Pat your own back!  By following through on promises you’ve made to yourself, you are doing a great job!  Be proud of yourself.  It will spill over into everything else you do.

One advantage to taking a class is that you will also have people around you who will encourage you to stay with it.  Maria comments on this also:

“Like-minded people are good to have around. They do spark interest in what you find interesting but bottom line is you are the one to encourage you the best.”

The third barrier she cites is “lack of courage or confidence”.  She says,

“When faced with something new, there isn’t one person alive who knows unquestionably how well they can do the new something. What makes the difference though between those who will give it a try and those who immediately work to avoid trying is the virtue of courage. As you grow in courage, you will have more confidence. Do you remember The Little Engine Who Could story? “I think I can” was the key ingredient to that little engine climbing that tall, tall hill.

‘I think I can’ is the confidence prop that allows someone to jump in there and give it a try. You can avoid this barrier to success simply by using this simple turn of phrase. And then, gather up your fears and do it anyway! You are great at learning new things.

It is your attitude that governs everything, so with a confident attitude, you too can Be the Change you want to see in your life.”

Everyone who tries something new starts at the beginning.  None of us (myself included!) knew what we were doing when we first started.  But we stuck with it and gradually began to see improvement.  This will happen for you, too.  Don’t measure yourself against anyone else.  Just keep your own goals firmly in front of you and continue working toward them.

If negative thinking continues to plague your efforts at self-confidence, perhaps you might get some inspiration from another article from a previous issue of the same magazine:  “Develop Immunity Against Negativity” by Baba Shuddhaanandaa Brahmachari.  In this article, negativity is treated as an infectious disease that can be passed from person to person and perpetuated in a downward spiral.  The author further describes it this way:

“As you know, negativity is destructive. It destroys much of your natural tendencies to stand firm for higher goals of life. It sucks your energy from inside, and your self-esteem or your self-confidence is afflicted with this negative force. It robs your good qualities and divine potentials.

Your goal is to take charge of your thoughts, not others’ thoughts, and let them flow, not succumbing to the pull of the instinctive lower mind. Lift your thoughts with your own mind. For your mind can be heaven or it can be hell, either of which are your own creation. Intensify your conviction that you alone can change the thoughts of your mind.”

You cannot control anyone else’s thoughts or deeds.  But you can control your own.  You have the power to change your own thinking.  If negative thinking is getting in the way of maintaining your motivation, counter those negative thoughts with positive ones.  It takes practice to build awareness.  But the goals of Yoga and Pilates are to help you build more self-awareness.

And self-awareness is where it all starts.  You can’t change behavior unless you first recognize it when it’s happening and then practice doing something different.  Movement awareness and getting to know your own body are good places to start.

Baba Shuddhaanandaa Brahmachari suggests the following in his article:

“Identify the areas that trigger your negativity. Identify the persons who push you into negative brooding. From now on try to evoke your positive energy. You have to gradually lighten up the areas that suffer with lesser light.

The whole process is one of your awakening the self-management part in your mind. . . The more you become aware of your strengths, and at the same time your weaknesses, the more it is possible for you to reinforce your strengths and work vigilantly to transform your weaknesses into strengths of your character.”

All of these things sound good in theory and you know you should do them, but they aren’t easy.  Most of the things you have or want to accomplish take practice. Commitment is half the battle.  Once you make up your mind that you are going to follow through then the work of practice begins.  Any time you get discouraged or obstacles get in your way, remind yourself of your commitment and the reasons you made that commitment in the first place.  Then, as Maria says, “Dust it off. Give it a good shake and insist it do its mighty work for you.”