life transitions

Thoughts On Change

by ultrapeg

Tomorrow is a day of remembrance of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  Fittingly, I recently came across an appropriate quote from Dr. King:

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

This appeared in the context of an article written by Bodhipaksa. a Buddhist practitioner, writer, and teacher who is also the founder of the website:  wildmind.org. His most recent book, Living as a River, was published by Sounds True in October, 2010.  Bodhipaksa taught Buddhist meditation in the Religious Studies department at the University of Montana and now teaches at Aryaloka Buddhist Center in Newmarket, New Hampshire.

In this article he talks about an experience he had as a novice rock climber.  He says about a third of the way through the climb he found himself:

“suspended half-way up a cliff, in a state of anxiety . . . holding on to a narrow ledge that ran horizontally across the rock face.  . . . As I looked up, and as far as I could see there was nothing but smooth rock all the way to the top. . . . above me was a featureless expanse of cliff, with no hand- or toe-holds. I was only about a third of the way up, and it didn’t seem as if there was any way forward.  . . . I looked around, and realized that the only way I could move was sideways. That wasn’t going to take me closer to the top, but at least it was movement. . . . once I moved and took another look at my situation, I could see a handhold above me that hadn’t been visible before.

He goes on to conclude that “Sometimes, even if the way isn’t clear, you simply have to change something — almost anything — in order to see things from a different perspective. . . . sometimes we just have to try something new. ”

At this time of New Year’s resolutions, many of us have a desire to make a commitment to change something in our lives.  The above quote and story demonstrates that some changes won’t happen by themselves.  They require a leap of faith and a willingness to believe that a new vista will emerge even if we don’t know what that looks like right now.  We are all victims of inertia; we want things to stay the way they are.  But change is the only real constant in this world.  And, as Albert Einstein said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.   There is a certain security in the familiar.  Yet a paradox exists when there is something within that state of complacency that just isn’t serving us anymore.  Then a dissonance arises that can throw off all other aspects of our lives, including our relationships with others and the way we feel about ourselves.  The only way to restore harmony is to change.  But that prospect can be scary, especially when the outcome is not clear.

So getting back to that quote above, each change starts with one step.  And maybe we don’t know where that step will take us, but if we know we don’t want to (or can’t) stay where we are that first step is the only way to start the process.

As many of you know, I used to run marathons and ultramarathons.  People would ask me “How can you run 100 miles?”  The answer was that I didn’t; I ran one step at a time.  Then I ran from mile marker to mile marker or from water stop to water stop.  You can’t wrap your mind around the entire trip, but you can always take one step.

Years ago I read an article (unfortunately, I no longer have the attribution) by a reporter who travelled to the Sahara Desert to report on an ultramarathon held there annually called the Marathon des Sables.  It is a stage race (meaning that different distances are run each day) of approximately 150 miles held over a period of 6 days.  The reporter tagged along behind the runners curious to know what it was like to run such a race in the middle of the desert.  At one point he asked one of the runners “What do you think about over all those miles in the heat?”  The Zen-like answer was “ I think about the next step”.   That story stuck with me through all these years because it rings so true:  one doesn’t run 26 miles or 100 miles or even 1 mile.  We simply string together one step at a time.

So if you are planning some change in 2013 – or any other time for that matter – remember that the only way to get there is to take that first step.  Even if you’re afraid, you may find that first step is enough to give you a new perspective.  Maybe you’ll see that your footing really is OK in that new position and from there you will have the confidence to take the next step.

Hope to see you in a Pilates or Yoga class very soon!

Sometimes It’s Not Your Fault

by ultrapeg

Some time ago I heard a story from a woman who was describing her large family and the inevitability of an assortment of disagreements, recriminations and finger-pointing to surface at all family gatherings. At one point they all got sick and tired of dealing with these so they made a group decision to assign one person each day as “Culprit for the Day”. That person would bear the blame for everything that went wrong that day. The “culprit” would rotate randomly through the group so that everyone would have a turn at being the one at fault. So, for example, when the cookies got burned because no one was paying attention or the milk got spilled or the coffee didn’t get made it would be Mary’s fault. “Oh, well”, she’d say, “today is my day so it’s all my fault”. Then on the next day when it was, say, her brother’s Bob’s turn, she could say, “Not my fault today, it’s his fault”. Screen door gets left open and the flies get in? It’s Bob’s day today so it’s his fault. Car dies because someone left the lights on and the battery went dead? Bob’s fault. And so on.

Unfortunately, I don’t remember where I heard it, but if anyone out there reading this knows where it came from, please let me know so I can properly attribute it and thank the source for this great idea. As the holiday season continues to ramp up, this might be something we all should consider. If you don’t have a big family to contend with, maybe it’s something that could be implemented where you work (e.g., who took the last cup of coffee and did not make another pot? Who emptied the copy machine and did not refill it with paper? Etc., etc.)

Bottom line is –  we Americans love the blame game.  We seem to operate under the illusion that finding and punishing the perpetrator will somehow make us feel better about whatever it is that went wrong. We think “whew – now we know who did it so someone can be held accountable!”  We think this will bring us “closure” (whatever that is).  Funny thing, though, this rarely solves the problem. Perhaps we would all do well to stop worrying about who’s at fault and think instead about how we can move forward and avoid falling into the same trap again.

This is relevant to our everyday lives because the person we tend to assign the most blame for all of the problems of the day is usually ourselves. Often we are very forgiving of others, but ruthlessly brutal on ourselves.

I recently read the following in an article titled “Make the Choice to Stop Hesitating” by Ishita in the online magazine “Fear.Less”:

“. . . how often do we trash ourselves [with thoughts like]: “I should have started ________ [fill in the blank] earlier, I’d be much farther by now.” “I can’t believe I said that last night, how ungraceful can someone be?” “Am I really trying this again after it took me so long the first time?And on and on…How quickly we judge and jump to conclusions about the losers and fools we are. “

I would like to add here that we would probably never do this to anyone else and yet we somehow feel it’s OK to do it to ourselves. Ishita goes on to describe an area on tennis courts referred to by the pros as “No Man’s Land”.  Some of you who play tennis may be familiar with this.  It is an area in the center of the court that seems like a good place to be but ends up being an almost impossible spot from which to hit a ball. Beginners like it because it seems safe, but usually the balls just whiz by them unhit and unreachable. Ishita compared this seemingly safe zone to the place in which she realized she was living her life.

“. . .self-disapproval gives us a false sense of safety. Even though thoughts like “I wish I was better” or “I could never do what he does” are unhelpful, they actually do serve a purpose: we use them to protect us, just like No Man’s Land ‘protects’ us. If you doubt yourself long enough, you’ll never take a risk or step out of your comfort zone. Like staying in No Man’s Land keeps you from getting hit in the face but also prevents you from hitting any balls. [What] lulls us into safety may also be destroying us at the same time.”

To combat this downward spiral, Ishita invented a game she now calls “Be Right for a Day”. This is how she describes it:

“For three months, I played a game with myself where I was right about everything – no matter what I did or said or whom I played with – I was right. No questions asked.

Yes, it is brazen and ridiculous, and there were times when it [angered] people around me. I understood this, but too much was at stake for me. It made such a difference to believe in myself and not second guess or doubt, and I saw how bolstered I felt after a few weeks. At times I felt foolish but for the first time in a long time, I felt confident and self-assured.
I now call this exercise ‘Be Right for a Day’ and recommend it to people who want to build confidence. Turns out it that pretending to be right actually shows you that you are right most of the time, which is delightful. I learned that most times I did or said something, it was usually the right thing to do, but I only learned this by diving in . . . Even attempting to step out of No Man’s Land or Be Right for a Day puts the odds in your favor – you’ll be rewarded simply because you’ve made the choice to be brave enough to leave a safe zone.”

This can apply to anything you’ve been thinking about doing but putting off because you fear you’ll do it badly. Like exercise. So often I hear – “I can’t do yoga because I’m not flexible” or “I’m too old to do Pilates”, etc. etc. How about changing that mindset to “Just for today, I can do yoga” or “I can do Pilates and, just for today whatever way I do it will be right!” Then all you need to do is get to a class and chances are you’ll find out that you are right! Stack enough “I am right” days back to back and before you know it – you’re doing it.  And you’re doing it right – whatever that means for you today.

You can do it – and you will be right! Let someone else be the one to blame for this day.