change

Overcoming the Need to be Perfect

by ultrapeg

As we launch into the New Year, some of you may find that you are already faltering in your resolve to leave 2013 behind and find the new you in 2014.  There is no doubt that change can be difficult.  In part this is because any change involves loss.  Change implies letting go of something in order to embrace something different.  That means the loss of something even if that something is just an attitude.  In fact, sometimes an attitude can be the most difficult thing to let go of.  Especially if it is something that you believed in.

Trying something new often awakens a fear that we might not do it right.  Even if the new activity is designed to help us relax, like yoga or meditation, we worry.  Suppose we’re not doing it right?   Won’t I look bad in a class setting?  I will stand out and everyone will sneer at me.  This fear can cause us to set up road blocks like “I need to be in better shape first” or “when something outside myself changes, then I’ll be able to start”.  You know the drill.  We’ve all done this.  The problem is when you depend on something outside of yourself to change before you can change, then you are at the mercy of situations you cannot control.  Of course, there isn’t much in our lives that we can control (contrary to popular belief), but one thing we can control is our attitude.  Until you make a decision that you really do want to change, it is unlikely that it will happen.  Regardless of what happens in the world outside yourself.

If your desire to change is conflicting with your belief that you need to be perfect, perhaps you might find some solace in a recent Yoga Journal article by Sally Kempton entitled “Making Peace with Perfection”.  After describing herself as a “recovering perfectionist”, she provides some insights into the meaning of the term itself.  Here are some excerpts:

“In Sanskrit, one of the words for perfection is purna, usually translated as fullness or wholeness.  .  . . Contrast that to our ordinary idea of perfection. In our everyday speech, the word perfect means flawless.  . . . When we can’t make things perfect, then there must be something wrong with us or the world.

The irony is that our ideal of perfection—which arises from the ego’s need to explain and control—inevitably keeps us from the experience of perfection. Like any construct, it clamps the lid on the bursting, chaotic, joyous mess of reality, substituting a rigid, artificial notion of what is appropriate or beautiful.  Conditioned as we are by our upbringing and culture, most of us can’t help living under the tyranny of perfection. Yet perfection itself is not the tyrant. It’s our notions about perfection that tyrannize us. When we’re outside the experience of perfection, we long for perfection while idolizing a standard that separates us from it. When we’re inside it, the question “How can I keep this great feeling?” instantly removes us from the feeling we’re trying to hold onto.”

Although Ms. Kempton admits that not all perfectionism is destructive, for example, there are musicians, scientists and athletes striving for excellence, this is not the case for most of us.  When creating road-blocks to change, our notion of perfectionism is often “driven less by the pursuit of excellence than by the fear of what might happen if [we] fail. [We] measure . . . performance by the approval and validation [we] get from external [sources].”

But take heart – there is hope!  Ms. Kempton goes on to describe a path for even the most determined perfectionist:

“Perfectionism is a deeply ingrained way of being. And since it affects our thoughts, our emotions, and our actions, getting rid of negative perfectionism requires work on all these levels. It helps to have a quiver of strategies, so you can experiment and work with the one that works for you in the moment. Negative perfectionists nearly always hold themselves to unreachable standards. Then, when they fail to meet them, they beat themselves up. So remember, the first line of defense against perfectionism is to learn how to give yourself permission to be who you are and where you are. That level of permission, ironically enough, is often the best platform for change.”

Here are a few of the suggestions in the “quiver of strategies” she provides:

1)      Retrain Your Inner Critic – Find a positive counterstatement for every negative statement the inner critic makes. It may take a little time, but in the end you’ll retrain him.

2)     Allow Yourself Not to Be the Best

3)     Give Yourself Permission to Do the Minimum

You are all encouraged to read the rest of the suggestions in the article itself.  But I will add something that is incorporated in all of the ideas presented – recognize that you are enough just as you are and that everything you need to succeed is already within you.

It may not be easy to remind yourself of this, but as obstacles arise in your plan to implement change, rather than just accepting them as inevitable, perhaps you can undermine them and find a way to follow your intentions.  Just think how good you’ll feel when you actually begin to see – and be – the change you want to happen.

Practicing Self-Compassion

by ultrapeg
Recently I listened to an interview by Krista Tippett  of the public radio program “On Being” with two Buddhist teachers, Sharon Salzburg and Robert Thurman.  It was titled “Embracing our Enemies and our Suffering”.  During the discussion there was a distinction made between internal and external enemies.  We are all familiar with the phrase “we are our own worst enemies”.   Sometimes we are harder on ourselves than any of our so-called external enemies would dare to be.  Sharon Salzburg offered the following ideas to counteract this self-flagellation that we all experience from time to time.  First, she talked about her initial experience practicing metta or lovingkindness in an intensive, structured way. The practice begins with self-compassion and moves out from there to others.  She says:
“I always knew that classically you began with yourself, which I found kind of confusing because I felt, well, surely the higher path, the more spiritual way, would be denying yourself . . . some kind of self-abnegation . . . just focusing completely on others. . .”
But then she goes on to say that she learned that self-compassion can really be a form of generosity:
 “It’s like generosity of the spirit. And the best kind of generosity comes from a sense of inner abundance. . [I]f we feel depleted and overcome and exhausted and just burnt out, we’re not gonna have the wherewithal inside, the sense of resourcefulness, to care about anybody. . . [I]t’s a self-preoccupation that happens when we feel so undone, so unworthy. . . [thus] lovingkindness for one’s self is this tremendous sense of strength and resourcefulness in terms of connecting to others.”
And finally she comes to this point which really resonated with me:
“. . . the one question that’s very interesting to reflect on is how do I actually learn best? How do I change? How do I grow? Is it through that kind of belittling myself and berating myself and humiliating myself? Or is it through something else, some other quality like self-compassion and . . . having the energy to actually move on?  So where does that energy come from? It comes from not being stuck. And how do we get unstuck? In fact, it’s from forgiving ourselves and realizing. . .I am capable of change.”
So when you are tempted to avoid trying something new because you’re so sure you won’t be any good at it, you might want to reflect on what helps you to learn.  All of us have a different path to learning.  Some of us are visual learners, some auditory, some hands-on.  And maybe we have also learned through negative stimuli from time to time to avoid certain painful experiences.  But how do you learn best? How do you learn those positive lessons that give you the energy to move forward?  Self-compassion just might be worth considering.  Try being as gentle with yourself as you would be with someone you care about.  It can’t hurt and it just might help.