A friend was recently asked about his New Year’s resolutions for 2017.  He replied, “To stop setting goals I can’t possibly achieve.” That got me to thinking:  is goal-setting a good or bad idea?  We live in a highly goal-oriented culture where constant striving for ever higher and brighter brass rings is both encouraged and applauded regardless of the consequences.  In fact, not only is achievement rewarded, but the opposite is also true.  Being satisfied with merely good enough is looked down upon to the point of being considered lazy or even irresponsible.

So should we be setting goals?  For me, the answer is “yes”, but with caveats.  Here are some ideas to consider:

• Set small, incremental goals.  Many years ago I remember hearing a speaker in a class aimed at potential entrepreneurs talk about the “BHAG”, an acronym for “Big Hairy Audacious Goals”.  There is, of course, something to be said for that.  Some of you might be old enough to recall, for example, the excitement of establishing “first man on the moon” as a national goal.  The whole country got fired up behind that concept.  But like any other goal, it didn’t happen all at once.  It happened in stages.  So if you have a goal in mind like getting a new job, or remodeling your kitchen, or, more commonly, exercising more or losing weight.  Remember that you can’t go from zero to sixty without first passing 1, 2, 5, 10, etc.  Break the big goal down into its component parts and make each part a goal in itself.  Just like climbing a ladder, each rung is an achievement in its own right.  Since we all periodically need an excuse for a party, each incremental accomplishment is worthy of celebration.
• Craft methods in soft pliable clay instead of cement.   In other words, keep the plan malleable.   Once you know where you want to go, be flexible about how you actually get there.  There is always more than one route. Most of us can think of  a time when we planned a trip thinking we would get where we wanted to go in a particular way only to be stymied by unexpected circumstances – road repairs, weather delays, GPS errors, etc.  In my own experience, I can’t think of a single time when I didn’t eventually reach my ultimate destination.  But I might have had to change plans and find an alternative method, or simply wait until conditions changed.  This is true for any goal.  The best laid plan might not work out the way you thought it would. This doesn’t necessarily mean the goal is not achievable.  It just might mean that a different method needs to be explored.  For example, if a sudden snowstorm makes the 10-mile hike you planned too daunting, maybe you can do 3 or 4 shorter stints on a treadmill. Or do something entirely different and put the hike off for another day.  Sometimes, too, you might find that a larger goal was not broken down into small enough increments.  There might be a way to dissect it further into more manageable parts.  Whatever obstacles appear in your path, they are most likely temporary.  If possible, try not to etch time lines in stone.  You might still be able to reach your goal if you are willing to accept that it might take longer or have to be done differently than you originally thought.  Attempting to bludgeon your goal into submission won’t get you there sooner.  In fact, forcing it will likely just increase your frustration.  Be willing to accept change when necessary.
• Set goals but not expectations.  There can be a tendency to attach too much significance to a particular goal. We might think that losing 10 pounds, or buying a bigger house, or some other achievement will have some magical effect on our lives and we will live happily ever after.  Of course, life rarely seems to work that way.  But that doesn’t mean that the accomplishment and all the hard work invested to get there was wasted or worthless.  Sometimes the path leads to outcomes that you couldn’t possibly have foreseen.  Keep an open mind. Take the steps required to achieve your goal, but let the outcome unfold on its own. The destination you reach may look different from the mental picture you had when you started the journey, but it may hold a beauty all its own.  It might take some time to see it, but you’ll realize it eventually if you are willing.  In fact, what actually happens may end up far exceeding any result you could have planned.
• Establish your own goals.  The concept of success in our achievement-oriented society often includes certain fixed ideas of what constitutes success.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of other people’s expectations.  Whatever goals you set, make sure they are for you.  Trying to please someone else will only lead to disappointment.  You may think you know what others want from you, but it is unlikely that your perception is the true reality.  You can never go wrong being the best that you can be from your own point of view.  That’s the only view you can truly know or control. Accept yourself and your own accomplishments.  Even if you are the only one that appreciates your achievements, so be it. Your opinion counts!  Be your own cheerleader!
• Finally, enjoy the journey.  No matter what your goals or how you measure success, you’re going to learn a lot along the way.  That in itself is a valuable experience.  Whatever your goals, you won’t be able to reach them if getting there means gritting your teeth and hating every minute along the path.  This doesn’t mean that you won’t struggle at times.  But all struggles should at least be tolerable in the context of the larger goal.  If climbing Mt. Everest is your goal, you’re certainly not going to get there without considerable hardship and sacrifice.  But a true love of mountain climbing should help you to accept the temporary suffering that is inevitable along the way. On the other hand, if you’re terrified of heights or hate the cold, this is not going to be an appropriate goal for you.  This is true whatever your goal is.  The goal you choose might be challenging, but recognize the true reality of the steps you need to take to get there.  With a full understanding of what is involved and a sincere desire and belief in your ability to get there, you will be able to find a way through the rough patches.  They are, after all, only temporary. One of my favorite sayings among ultrarunners is “It never always gets worse.”   Whatever circumstances you find yourself in, nothing lasts forever.  Hang in there for a while and it will change.

Although I am not a fan of New Year’s resolutions, goal-setting can be motivating.  Especially if you are one of those people who knows you need a goal in order to stay motivated.  I know many runners who need to sign up for a race in order to motivate themselves to get out and do the training.  But avoid letting goals become a sledge hammer hanging over your head giving you one more reason to beat up on yourself.   Accomplishment and failure are subjective states. Be patient and kind and give yourself some room for growth. Remember, too, that every day is a new day and a new opportunity to re-adjust and try again. Your goals may change but you will still be a success.

A friend recently expressed her frustration with the requirements we establish for ourselves.  “The word “should” needs to be eliminated from our vocabulary,” she exclaimed.  Amen to that.  I would also add the word “expectation” to any list of tyrannical and misleading words.  You can all probably think of others.  And – yes – I think the word “tyrannical” applies since we hold these words over our heads like mallets ready to bludgeon us whenever we perceive a shortcoming in ourselves or others.   Sharon Salzberg has some enlightening thoughts on this subject on the On Being website which she has expressed in an article called “The Tyranny of Aspiration”.  In it she talks about a friend inviting her to Washington, DC to see the cherry blossoms.  As she observed the beauty of her surroundings, her friend remarked that the trees were past peak.  Suddenly her enjoyment changed to let-down as expectations clashed with reality.  One more reminder that making plans can be useful as long as the outcome is left out of the plan.  Let outcomes be whatever they become.  There’s probably nothing you can or could have done to change the outcome anyway so accept what it is and let go of labels and categories.  It is what it is and that’s the best it can be right now.

At this time of year when celebrations abound, the specter of “should” can feel particularly threatening.  Did I do everything I was supposed to do? What could I have done better?  As I sit here watching the snow fall outside my window, I wonder about all of those people who had travel in their plans.  Some may be patting themselves on the back for leaving early, but others may be disappointed that their plans were disrupted.  Still others may have decided that all the warnings didn’t apply to them and their determination to do what they said they would do will somehow bestow some kind of badge of honor upon them.  I hope none of you reading this are in this latter category.  But many of us have been there at one time or another.  During my commuting years I remember all of the times when getting to work or some other commitment seemed so important that I was determined to get there regardless of horrendous weather.  There were times when a 20 mile drive could take as long as 3 hours.  But all the “shoulds” and expectations would not allow me to acknowledge that my presence at whatever place I was headed to was not really that important.

Fortunately, I’m older and at least (hopefully) a little wiser now.  Or at least more experienced.  But I can still fall into the “should” trap just like everyone else.  Another friend recently talked about the need to stop comparing abilities today with those of yesterday.  She said “I need to stop reminding myself of all the things I used to be able to do”.  That was then, this is now. The things we’ve accomplished in our past may have been fabulous.  But the fact that our abilities have changed is not a cause for disappointment or sadness, but rather a time to recognize and enjoy what we can do today.  Like everything else in the world, our bodies have changed.  This is a fact no matter how old you are.  And here’s another reality to consider: every day we age a little bit more and everything continues to change.  I saw a quote recently, “Without change there would be no butterflies.”  Not sure who said it, but it’s a good thought.  Accepting and adapting to where you are today is one more opportunity for practice.  There’s that word again – practice.  Everyday presents another practice challenge.  Practice itself is not about achievement.  It’s about trying again each time we fall back into the expectation trap, recognizing that it’s not the end of the world.  Just another experience to add to the many that make us who we are.

Another concept that inspired me this week was described by Elizabeth Gilbert in an interview on “On Being”.  She spoke of choosing curiosity over fear, primarily in the context of expressing creativity.  But I would take it a step further.  Many of us let fear prevail because of cultural conditioning.  We are the sum of our experiences, good and bad, positive and negative, and everything in between.  This brings me to the other word I would like to banish:  “expectations”.  We expect things of ourselves and others because of repeated messages we receive and internalize.  Instead of allowing ourselves to be curious about unknown people or ideas, we often let fear prevail keeping us from learning something new and perhaps unexpected.  At this time of year when we are especially focused on giving and receiving, it might help to think of the knowledge we receive by overcoming fear as a gift.  In an article called “Acceptance as Giving” the author Madisyn Taylor speaks of “allowing ourselves the gift of seeing through another person’s eyes”.  She goes on to say that although giving and receiving are part of the same cycle, we often try to be too controlling on one side or the other.  By letting go of expectations we open ourselves up to experiences that may be unlike anything we could have imagined.

This all may seem very esoteric and beyond our real life experience, but let me bring these concepts back to the main topic of this blog – exercise.  When you come into a class or begin whatever movement modality you practice, start with the conscious intention of letting go of “shoulds” and all other expectations.  Although practice does require a daily choice and commitment to follow through, it does not require you to look or feel any particular way.  Each day and each effort is different.  If on any given day you can’t seem to perform with the same energy that you had yesterday, so be it.  Tomorrow will be different.  Just do what you can.  Maybe you’ll stop a bit sooner than you might have on a different day.  Or maybe the idea that less is more will be your new reality and you need to learn to accept it.  Either way do the best you can with what you have to work with today and it will always be exactly what it is supposed to be.  By giving yourself the same compassion that you would give to someone else you might even receive a bit more patience and tolerance for yourself.