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Lessons Learned

by ultrapeg

If you read my last blog post, you will have learned that I was headed for spine surgery.  As it turned out, my surgery happened a week earlier than originally planned.  This was fine with me since by then I had reconciled myself to the need for the surgery and had also come to my wit’s end with the pain I was enduring.  It was not an easy decision to have the surgery.  Any time one is subjected to the vagaries of anesthesia and the dangers inherent in opening parts of the body that are otherwise not meant to open anything can happen.  These cautions become even more pronounced when working with the spine and the nervous system it is designed to protect.  Arriving at the decision to undergo surgery meant I had to surrender to the unknown and be willing to accept whatever consequences might ensue.  I have since spoken with many people who are daily enduring problems that surgery might fix but the fear of those consequences outweighs the problem.  For me it was the other way around: the prospect of a solution won me over.  As I said in my most recent post, I felt that the fact that a solution exists at all – and that I had access to it – put me in a far better category than those for whom a solution is not available.

At this point I am delighted to report that my surgery went exactly as planned and did, in fact, solve the problem for which it was intended.  I am beyond amazed at the miracle of it.  Despite our resilience, human beings are subject to a myriad of health problems.  Even as medical advances are made, new problems seem to crop up daily.  Yet there are also marvelous techniques now available that even a few years ago would have seemed impossible.  Here I am, not quite 5 weeks from my surgery and already I can walk a couple of miles pain-free and even do some yoga.  Nothing short of miraculous in my mind.

So what have I learned in this latest journey?  First of all, it really helps to be in good shape to begin with.  All my years spent touting the benefits of movement and working to motivate others has not been for naught.  The strength, flexibility and balance I have worked to maintain has definitely helped pull me through this.  The first week after the surgery was very difficult.  It is easy to understand how some people might succumb to that difficulty, stretching out or even hindering the recovery process.  Pain can create a vicious cycle – the more you hurt, the less you want to move, but the less you move the harder it is to get moving. Yet even while I was still in the hospital I was encouraged to move.  This is another change in the thinking of the medical community.  It used to be that after surgery people were told not to move.  Today, just the opposite is promoted.  Our bodies are meaning to move and the sooner one gets moving, the better for the body. It’s tough, though, to move when everything hurts.  So it became another opportunity for practice.  All of the lessons I’ve been writing about in this blog had to be re-activated.  Examples:  keep trying!  If you have to stop, then stop.  But try again later.  My doc gave me a simple rule of thumb, “If it hurts, stop.  If you think it’s going to hurt, don’t do it.”  That last part could be interpreted as license to stop trying, but that marker moves as the healing process progresses.  So what hurts today might hurt less tomorrow or the next day.  Each day brings another opportunity to try again.

Which brings me to Lesson #2 – the danger zone.  That first week was miserable, but by the second week I could already tell the difference. There was a spark of light at the end of the tunnel.  Healing was hardly complete but I could tell that I was getting better.  By the third week, I was actually feeling good much of the time.  That’s when the danger zone arrives.  I started to feel good enough to believe that I could do more than I should.  After a couple of episodes of over-doing (thankfully minor) I realized that I had to pull back.  This is when the full realization of aging starts to set in.  Although it is truly amazing that a person my age can go through a trauma like this and not only survive but thrive afterwards, I still had to respect the fact that healing is slower as we age.   It is so important to me to keep moving as much as I can for as long as I can.  Rather than invite set-backs that could be avoidable, I had to remind myself that I am in this for the long haul.  Feeling good will only get better if I have some patience and let it happen in its own time.  A fellow Pilates teacher said, “You’ll be that much stronger if you just wait until the time is right.”  Good advice.

And that’s Lesson #3 – I am continuing to get better on a daily basis and it was worth the wait.  Every day I feel stronger and more like my old self again.  It may take a little longer to get my fitness levels back, but come back they will if I just take it slow but keep moving forward.  Still I am changed by this as I am by every new experience.  I heard a great quote the other day:  an elderly woman was asked what it is like to be 89 or whatever age she was at that time.  Her answer, “I don’t know.  I’ve never been 89 before!”  A great reminder that as long as we’re on the planet, moving and breathing, life continues to be an adventure.  Each day is one you have never before experienced.  Stepping into the unknown can be as simple as getting out of bed in the morning.  It can be scary, but we all have the capacity to be brave and do the best we can with whatever we have to work with on an given day.  Everything is changing all the time. So whatever you felt yesterday might be different today.  Treat every moment like the remarkable gift it is.

Journey to the Surgery Center

by ultrapeg

OK – I admit it.  I’ve been feeling sorry for myself.  Those of you who follow this blog might recall that I discussed my ongoing issue with nerve pain in my legs a couple of months ago.  Since that time I’ve had every test imaginable and all the professionals involved have concluded that the problem is in my spine.  Lumbar spinal stenosis, they say, also arthritis and other contributors to compression in my spine leading to narrowing of space for the nerves.  From the very first viewings of my MRI, it was suggested that surgery would be the most likely recommended route.  Still I remained unconvinced and resistant.  Something else must be wrong.  Just look at all the years I’ve spent caring for my spine with yoga and Pilates.  Of course, that overlooks the other bunch of years I was pounding on my spine and otherwise abusing my body as an ultrarunner.  And, of course, as much as I’d like to I can’t discount my age.  Even though inside my head I don’t feel any older than 40, all I have to do is look in the mirror and remember that the mind can tell one story while the body tells another.

Over the last several months I’ve done my best to find other ways of alleviating the pain (including ignoring it which can only take one so far.) First I tried medication designed specifically for nerve pain.  I got all of the side effects and none of the benefits.  Then I had a cortisone shot. The lidocaine applied before the shot reduced the pain for about 2 days, but as that wore off the pain crept right back in.  Within a week I was right back to where I started from.  I went back to over-the-counter NSAIDS, but soon was taking enough of those to burn multiple holes in my stomach.  I already have GI issues so I knew I could not go on with that.  Besides, they also stopped working no matter how much I took. Time to turn to the heavy-duty stuff (yup – the ones that the politicians are screaming about.)  The federal noose is being wrapped around doctors’ necks over these so only a limited amount is available to humans in pain.  Despite all the hand-wringing these haven’t been much help either.  My mind is foggy, but the fog isn’t sufficiently dense to mask the pain.  Physical therapy, acupuncture, myofascial release, energy healing.  All have been fun and interesting to explore and I will probably continue to do so.  But, unfortunately, none have given me any sustainable pain relief.

Anyone who has suffered with pain from anything, no matter how temporary, will know how quickly it takes over your life.  There doesn’t seem to be enough room in your head for anything else when pain invades the senses.  You have to think twice about doing anything.  Going out or even just getting out of bed requires a strong will.  It is so easy to just give into it and withdraw from life.  At the end of each of my yoga classes I always express gratitude for being able to move and breathe.  (Thanks to yoga teacher Sean Corne for reminding me of that in a workshop some years ago.)  Yet even remembering that becomes a challenge as pain sucks all of your energy.  Muscles tense up under the strain and imbalances are created that serve only to exacerbate the sensations.

This week, though, I had an abrupt wake-up call.  As I sat in my doctor’s office waiting my turn for a routine follow-up appointment I had scheduled, a friend came in who has the same doctor.  We had both had similar treatment for cancer a couple of years ago.  Thankfully, I have been in remission since completing chemo in 2015.  This woman has not been so fortunate.  Her cancer has returned with a vengeance to the point where she is running out of treatment options.  My heart goes out to her and her family.  But I could not help but recognize how fortunate I am.  Sure I may be hurting right now, but my condition is not life-threatening.  Quality of life, maybe, but otherwise I’m still pretty healthy.  As I’ve heard many times in many places, there is much more right with me than there is wrong.  Despite our complaints and inherent tendency to focus on the negative, this is true for most of us. Take a few minutes to think about that.  Gratitude lists are often recommended as a way to climb out of the “poor-me’s”.  Try listing all the things that you can do at the top of today’s gratitude list.  Can you see? Hear?  Feel?  Breathe and move?  Do you have enough to eat?  A warm and dry place to sleep?  Do you have friends and/or family who care about you?  Some of these will surely apply and I’m certain each of you will think of more.  None of us is perfect and life is full of trials and tribulations, but it still usually remains true – there is more right with us than there is wrong.  Sometimes all it requires to see that is simply a change of attitude.

So I’ve now arrived at surgery’s door and at this point I’m willing, almost glad to finally turn the problem over to someone else more competent than me at finding a solution.  I’ve learned that there is a reasonably reliable fix for my condition that has great success rates. Granted, spine surgery is never something to take lightly and I am well aware that anything can happen.  But at this point I’m ready to accept the outcome whatever it is.  My surgeon is enthusiastic about my ability to handle it and recover well.  All those years of Pilates and yoga have, in fact, helped me alot!  Maintaining a healthy level of mobility, strength and flexibility will get me through the surgery and help me recover quickly.  And then I hope to be better than ever with years of renewed life for my spine and its miraculous support for all my activities.

Someone said, “So sorry to hear you have to go through this.”  But I said, “Don’t be sorry.  I have a condition with a high probability of being fixed!  Many people have much worse problems for which there is no fix.”  I have good health insurance (Medicare – Yay!).  There is a competent surgeon and facility nearby that can do this for me.  I have help and support all around me.  I am very fortunate.  Having the problem is no fun, but if you have to have a problem, this one is better than many.